Thursday, June 23, 2011

Conversion Aversion

Let’s say there are two men: Alpha and Omega. I’ve been with Alpha for many years. Alpha was my first kiss. We made commitments to one another. I’m close with Alpha’s family. On top of that, Alpha and I have a good relationship; we don’t argue, we don’t abuse one another, we love each other.

But then there’s Omega. I met Omega by chance; I wasn’t looking for trouble. But now I have a crush on Omega. I think about what type of girlfriend I would be with him. I believe he likes me too, but I’m not willing to take the risk for fear of hurting Alpha. That’s not entirely true. While I do feel guilt about possibly hurting Alpha, I also won’t take the risk unless I’m completely sure things will work out with Omega because I’m prideful, and I don’t want to have to run back to Alpha and ask his forgiveness later.

Omega and I aren’t a perfect match. Even from the outside I can that. I question what type of father he’ll be to our children. I don’t know much about his family. I disagree with one or two of his beliefs. He has a past. But no relationship is perfect. If we are meant to be together, those sorts of things become less and less important. The question is how to tell we’re meant to be, or if this is some passing fancy and I should stick it out with Alpha.

I’m discontent with Alpha. While nothing is wrong, something is missing. I thought if I was involved enough with Alpha I could find fulfillment within that relationship, but I haven’t. I feel I’m outgrowing him. This could just be a seven (or 22) year itch, but I’m too inexperienced to know. I don't particularly want to have these feelings; I don't want to leave Alpha, but maybe I should. I can’t leave Alpha and just sleep around until I know what I want. I’m not like that; I need a relationship. And knowing both Alpha and Omega will accept my decision only further confuses me, because now the choice is solely mine. If I error, it is no one else’s fault. Alpha is not pushing me away. Omega isn’t trying to lure me. But I still feel guilty, like a cheater, for entertaining the idea of leaving.

For now, I admire Omega from afar, like a middle school crush where you’re too embarrassed to express how you feel. I still see Alpha regularly, and he doesn’t know that during our date, my mind wanders over to Omega’s place. My imagination has taken a bit of potential and turned it into a fantasy life.

I see crucifixes where crosses hang.

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