Friday, January 27, 2012
7 Quick Takes Friday (vol.18)
My week has been pretty uneventful aside from remembering how awful I am at algebra/trig and learning how awesome Skinny Girl margaritas are, which in college terms sounds like a pretty average week. So instead of seven randoms about me, I present seven jokes about religion that make me laugh.
1. The Methodists pick you up out of the gutter.
The Baptists get you saved.
The Presbyterians educate you.
The Episcopalians introduce you to high society.
Then the Methodists have to pick you up out of the gutter again.
2. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
4. Jesus was sitting by the Temple in Jerusalem one day when suddenly a crowd comes roaring down the street chasing a woman. They back the woman up against the wall and are about to stone her, screaming, "Adulteress!" Just then the Pharisees intervened, seizing upon the opportunity to trap Jesus. "So, Rabbi, this woman was caught in the very act of adultery. The law says she should be stoned. What do you say?" Jesus kept looking at the ground and drawing in the dirt. Finally he looked up and said, "Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone." Everything was silent, and then one by one you could hear the stones thud as they were dropped on the ground. But suddenly a big rock comes whizzing right by. Jesus cried, "Mo-o-o-om!"
5.What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
6. A Jewish man was growing nervous. His son was coming of age, and his 13th year was drawing closer. The Jewish father was concerned that his young son was not well versed in the Jewish faith and wanted to better educate him before his Bar Mitzvah. The father decided to send his young son to Israel to see their homeland and study his heritage. When it came time for the son to return home, the boy came in and fell to his father’s feet. "Oh father" he exclaimed excitedly. "I learned so much while I was in Israel, but I have some bad news. While I was there I converted to Christianity" The father fell to his knees "Oh, no. What have I done?"
Worried he hurried over to his closest friend’s house. After explaining what happened to him his friend replied, "Funny you should bring this to me. I also sent my son to Israel, and he too converted to Christianity." The two friends almost in a panic decided they must immediately go to the rabbi and ask for guidance. After hearing their stories, the rabbi replied "Funny you should bring this to me, as I too sent my son to Israel, and he too converted to Christianity."
All three men in unison fell to their knees and blurted out prayers to God begging for guidance. Then God quietly replied, "Funny you should bring this to me. I TOO sent my son to Israel..."
7. Even though I'm becoming Catholic, I still love Presbyterians! And I got about 95% of these jokes.
Check out others' Quick Takes here!
Disclaimer: I find humor in friendly comparison of the cultures that develop around different denominations. Nothing is intended to put down or offend any particular denomination or belief.