Home Alone

It’s been almost a year. Last February was another time. It’s easy to join in with the complaining about how terrible the past year as been. But there have been good things too. I’ve been in a really good place, mentally. It’s more acceptable to set hard boundaries and decline invitations. I’ve had more time to myself. I’ve been more patient with myself. I’ve been selfish about protecting my health. A benefit of being single is putting me first if I want. And I’ve done that. And it’s been nice.

I came into the Church on my own. I didn’t have someone evangelizing to me. I didn’t have a mentor. I had a teeny, tiny RCIA class at the parish I entered into which I left quickly after confirmation to go to grad school. I’ve struggled finding community. I’ve struggled even harder finding a spiritual director. It’s been frustrating, heartbreaking, and demoralizing.

We need community. We need instruction. The Church teaches that. Sociology teaches that. I don’t want to create my own idea of religion; I want to be a part of the Church. But sometimes I don’t feel a part of it. I don’t feel a part of it when I can’t get priests to answer my calls or emails. I don’t feel a part of it when ministry jumps from youth group to marriage and has no place for those adults who are unmarried. I don’t feel a part of it when other Catholics display such hatred for people different than them, when they treat the Church like a club where they can pick and choose fellow members, or when cults of personality claim for speak for the entire Church. This isn’t what I signed up for, I think. I’m not a part of this.

Then I remember what I did sign up for. I believed something happened in the Eucharist. God pulled me along to the Catholic Church. I didn’t really want to, but I felt the need to, and I prayed a lot and followed the Spirit and joined the Church. I wasn’t seeking community; I had that in the Protestant church. I wasn’t seeking the politically correct organization; that’d probably be the Quakers or something. I wanted Christ in the Eucharist; I wanted to answer the Spirit’s tugging. It was all about me and God. The Church was just the mechanism, the 2,000-year-old treasury of resources for me to use to get closer to God.

It’s selfish. But it’s also what has helped me this past year. Community is important. But I can go on without it. I long for spiritual direction. But I’ve done fine without it. I’m just as Catholic as the cradle Catholics and cultural Catholics and cult-of-personality Catholics. I might seek deeper connection and community, but I can’t let that search distract from what I really want: Christ. I will selfishly guard my faith. I will pray at home and read the books I want. I will set boundaries and decline recommendations. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to prove myself.

[Yes, I have to do some things, obligations of the Church. Only those. But I don’t have to pray certain prayers, listen to certain speakers, go to certain events, vote for certain people, share certain posts, wear certain clothes, etc., that any person puts on me. And even if I fail at doing the obligations of the Church, that’s between me and God and my confession.]

This past year gave me pause, time to remember how it felt when I was figuring it out on my own the first time. I’ve regained some of that confidence. I’ll still seek community and instruction. But I know that I’m never truly abandoned.

St. Dismas, Forgive Us

In the past seven months, the federal government as executed 13 people. While many places, including 22 states within the U.S. are moving away from the death penalty, the current administration has rushed to increase deaths at the hands of the government. To what end? We are so safer with these people, who have sat in prison for years, gone. A spree of executions looks more like violence than justice.

“To put that in historical context, the Federal Government will have executed more than three times as many people in the last six months than it had in the previous six decades,” Justice Sotomayor wrote in her dissent.

Almost 50 years ago, in 1972, the U.S. halted executions. They resumed in 1976 with stricter rules on which crimes were eligible for the death penalty. Between 1963-2001 there were no federal executions. In the late-80s, however, the crimes eligible for death penalty began to increase, not decrease. The Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988, Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, and Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996 all expanded eligibility. So in June 2001, with the execution of domestic terrorist Timothy McVeigh, the country resumed federal executions.

There was another long hiatus 2003-2020 before federal executions resumed. Since June 2020, 13 people have been executed, including the first woman in 67 years. But you’d have to go back further, to 1896, to find the last time the federal government executed more than 10 people in one year. Even further back, 1889, was the last time a federal execution took place during a presidential transition.

We are a civilized society, capable of keeping dangerous people out of society without taking their life. We must be better than murderers. The continuation, especially the escalation, of the death penalty is cruel.

The pope has spoken out against the death penalty, calling it “an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person” in 2018.

There are so many reasons to oppose the death penalty.

• First, and least important, is that it is expensive. It is cheaper for the state to pay for someone to stay in prison for life than to pay for all the legal appeals of someone on death row. It ties up already-burdened courts. 
• According to the ACLU about 1 in 10 people are death row are exonerated, showing how often innocent people can be sentenced to death.
• The death penalty is applied disproportionately to the poor, the mentally ill, those with intellectual disabilities, and people of color.
• The death penalty denies opportunity of due process (proving innocence at a later time) and opportunity of repentance. One aspect of respecting life is that our lives are our opportunities to know God and go own our spiritual journeys before Judgement. Cutting someone’s life short denies them of time where they may have encountered God’s mercy and truly converted.
•  And, it does not even deter crime. Only prompt and consistent punishments have been shown to deter crime; the death penalty is neither. It does not reduce crime or make our society any safer. It looks “tough on crime” but doesn’t do anything to stop it.  

On Christmas Eve, the Justice Department issued a ruling that the federal government could widen its methods of execution to whatever is allowed in the state where it takes place. This is partly due to other countries trying to limit providing the U.S. with the drugs needed for lethal injection. But it also partly seems just so unnecessarily cruel. So now along with lethal injections, federal executions can include poisonous gas, electrocution, or firing squads.

Six Catholics sit on the Supreme Court. Yet Catholic, “prolife” judges have allowed this execution spree to continue. It does not affect as many lives as the unborn or ill, but its victims are still people. They aren’t conveniently innocent and cute and easy to defend, but they are still people. Prolife means all life, even the criminal and guilty. There are lots of murderers in heaven.

Each execution, by the federal government or a state, should firstly be opposed and secondly remind us that revenge doesn’t beget justice. Violence doesn’t justify violence. Every life has dignity. Each of us is made in the image of God.

What Star Do You Follow?

On the solace, I looked up to the sky like millions of others, seeking a phenomenon we were told only happened every several centuries. Jupiter and Saturn, low and bright in the southwestern sky, converged, appearing almost like one, bright, misplaced star.

It was dubbed the “Christmas Star,” though those outside astrology groups didn’t give it any special meaning, just an interesting astronomical anomaly to check out for a few moments. But it still felt special. Not since 1623 had the planets been so close, and not since 1226 had the conjunction been observable on Earth. Did Genghis Khan look up into the Mongolian sky and seen this great conjunction? Did he see a sign of victory? Did my medieval European ancestor see it and see a warning of the end times? Did this conjunction lead wisemen to seek out a king born into poverty?

It is not clear what really led the magi to find Jesus—a star, a comet, another natural phenomenon, a miraculous appearance, or a representation of a prophecy.

 “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the East, and have come to worship him.” … Then Herod summoned the wise men secretly and ascertained from them what time the star appeared; and he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search diligently for the child, and when you have found him bring me word, that I too may come and worship him.” When they had heard the king they went their way; and lo, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came to rest over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy; and going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh” (Matthew 2:2,7-11).

Regardless of what exactly they saw or experienced, something led these men from the east to seek out a king of Jews and to worship him and offer him gifts. They were not Jewish, yet what they followed compelled them to believe that the kings of the Jews was who to worship. They were the first Gentiles to witness Christ—stepping out of their culture in search of truth and salvation.

As I try to reflect on all that’s happening in this country these days, I think of our people have fallen victim to bubbles of lies, conspiracy theories, anger, and violence. They follow leaders who seek power and control. They follow pundit accounts that indoctrinate and scare. They follow groups that radicalize and turn their hearts. They find authority and community, but it is misplaced and dangerous. They’ve lost sight of whatever truth they once sought. Their sky is dark.  

What stars do I see? And what signs do I follow? Do they lead to Herod or Jesus?

We can all look up and see Jupiter and Saturn. But what we interpret will vary. It is a scientific movement signifying nothing. It is a natural movement showcasing God’s clockwork design. It is the skies warning of chaos and apocalypse. It is a personal sign to make a change. It’s all of that, as long as it leads to Jesus. The Star of Bethlehem continues to shine, signaling us to seek out truth and salvation, avoid the kings who call for violence, and fall on our knees in worship.