Love isn’t Free: What a Girl Needs



Women have long suffered under patriarchal systems—told explicitly or implicitly that they are too weak, too emotional, too stupid, too needy to contribute equally to men. They’re simultaneously too sexual and not sexual enough. They are objects for men to conquer, to win, to be rewarded with. There is a long, tragic, beautiful history of women fighting for their rights. To own property, to vote, to work, to live independently and safely. They had to knock down the doors to male-dominated spaces. And even when they were reluctantly allowed in, it was with the understanding that they couldn’t change the space; they had to act like men, conduct business like men, date like men, adopt the attitudes of men in order to fit in. Women have gained entry but still face discrimination and misogyny.

Paul VI rightly states in Humanae Vitae, “Let them first consider how easily this course of action [contracepting] could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards. Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law. Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.”

The Sexual Revolution claimed that it liberated women—that women could be open about their sexual desires and freely choose partners as much as men. But in reality, men benefited more from the Sexual Revolution than women. Women experienced more social pressure to “put out” earlier or more frequently as men expected their partners to be sexually active. In general, men are more likely to seek pleasure whereas women are more likely to seek security. The Sexual Revolution took the more masculine attitude toward sex—pleasure apart from love or commitment—and promoted it as the freeing and healthy approach. Women would use sex to try to draw closer to a man, then be dejected when the security did not follow. And they were told that if they just adjusted their attitudes to be more like men’s, they wouldn’t feel so hurt. The fantasies of bachelor life were prioritized over the desires of women or the social order of married life.

If you read any articles on modern dating, they all come with the assumption that the couple will be having sex—if not on the first date, then soon after. You can get lost in the number of stories of people thinking the relationship was more serious than the other, of people feeling pressured to keep their partner satisfied, of STIs and pregnancy scares and abortions. Women are simultaneously slut-shamed and prude-shamed. This supposed-win for freedom looks a lot like a loss.

People have come to believe that sex is a right, something owed to them. And when it is denied through romantic rejection, they sometimes become angry and bitter. You see this in groups of incels and red pillers who experience rejection and turn it into violent hatred of women. They deserve sex. They are being denied what they deserve. No one deserves sex. No one is entitled to another person’s body. And all too often, sex is a way to physically use another person to boost one’s own pleasure, ego, or sense of control. There is a lot of getting and having and not a lot of giving. Rather than men (and women) being challenged to stand up for the virtues of respect and love, women (and men) are expected to give into baser impulses.

This attitude hurts both women and men. While women are pressured to fulfill sexual fantasies, to be cool, be active, but not slutty, men have to play along too. Men who want to wait for marriage or don’t objectify women are mocked as weak. Men are also expected to put out and perform competitively. Both are expected to be sexually experienced and involuntarily compare partners while fearing the comparison themselves.

Media feeds into this mindset. It presents uncommitted sex, premarital sex, and cohabitation as unquestioned and natural. They promote the erotic while downplaying responsibilities or consequences. They produce unrealistic portrayals of hook-ups and relationships. And that’s not even going into the damaging effects of pornography, such as emotional withdrawal, objectification, less sympathy to rape/assault victims, and desensitization to violent sex.

And what happens when people spend a decade or two in this culture and then want to commit? Sexual habits are hard to change once a person decides to “settle down.” Studies have shown a correlation between premarital sex and infidelity/divorce. Regrets, comparisons, keeping the past from the current partner, and unmet expectations can eat away at a person and relationships.

There was the underlying assumption that sexual freedom would mean more happiness. But fleeting happiness replaced deeper joy. The emphasis on autonomous fulfillment and happiness meant that one’s personal desires superseded the needs of another or of society. Structures built by generations of experience were dismantled in pursuit of individualism. While it is important to people to realize their worth and be fulfilled, without a moral structure forming self-control, discipline, and ethics, the pursuit of personal desires can often become a hedonistic journey.

Christianity offers that structure, where sex is conducted in its proper context, an expression of love between spouses. In Humane Vitae, Paul VI says, “This love is above all fully human, a compound of sense and spirit. It is not, then, merely a question of natural instinct or emotional drive. It is also, and above all, an act of the free will, whose trust is such that it is meant not only to survive the joys and sorrows of daily life, but also to grow, so that husband and wife become in a way one heart and one soul, and together attain their human fulfillment.”

There is no closing Pandora’s box, and I’m not suggesting that things were better in some “back then.” Discussions about sex are good. Premarital counseling, marital counseling, and support for people leaving domestic abuse are all good things that have developed in recent decades that can help strengthen families. Women have more rights, more respect. We’ve made progress. But the current attitudes and expectations about sexual freedom is not progress. It is not liberating anyone; it’s just making us slaves to our desires and objects of others’ desires. We have to treat one another with the dignity and respect given to them by God, which means refraining from objectifying language and action, to respect the other’s needs over one’s own desires, to use our God-given reason and will to conduct ourselves with prudence and self-control.

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