Women have long suffered under patriarchal systems—told
explicitly or implicitly that they are too weak, too emotional, too stupid, too
needy to contribute equally to men. They’re simultaneously too sexual and not
sexual enough. They are objects for men to conquer, to win, to be rewarded
with. There is a long, tragic, beautiful history of women fighting for their
rights. To own property, to vote, to work, to live independently and safely.
They had to knock down the doors to male-dominated spaces. And even when they
were reluctantly allowed in, it was with the understanding that they couldn’t
change the space; they had to act like men, conduct business like men, date
like men, adopt the attitudes of men in order to fit in. Women have gained
entry but still face discrimination and misogyny.
Paul VI rightly states in Humanae Vitae, “Let them first consider how easily this course of
action [contracepting] could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a
general lowering of moral standards. Not much experience is needed to be fully
aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the
young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law,
and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law. Another
effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use
of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and,
disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere
instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her
as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.”
The Sexual Revolution claimed that it liberated women—that
women could be open about their sexual desires and freely choose partners as
much as men. But in reality, men benefited more from the Sexual Revolution than
women. Women experienced more social pressure to “put out” earlier or more
frequently as men expected their partners to be sexually active. In general,
men are more likely to seek pleasure whereas women are more likely to seek
security. The Sexual Revolution took the more masculine attitude toward
sex—pleasure apart from love or commitment—and promoted it as the freeing and
healthy approach. Women would use sex to try to draw closer to a man, then be
dejected when the security did not follow. And they were told that if they just
adjusted their attitudes to be more like men’s, they wouldn’t feel so hurt. The
fantasies of bachelor life were prioritized over the desires of women or the
social order of married life.
If you read any articles on modern dating, they all come
with the assumption that the couple will be having sex—if not on the first
date, then soon after. You can get lost in the number of stories of people
thinking the relationship was more serious than the other, of people feeling
pressured to keep their partner satisfied, of STIs and pregnancy scares and
abortions. Women are simultaneously slut-shamed and prude-shamed. This
supposed-win for freedom looks a lot like a loss.
People have come to believe that sex is a right, something
owed to them. And when it is denied through romantic rejection, they sometimes
become angry and bitter. You see this in groups of incels and red pillers who
experience rejection and turn it into violent hatred of women. They deserve sex. They are being denied what
they deserve. No one deserves sex. No one is entitled to another person’s body.
And all too often, sex is a way to physically use another person to boost one’s
own pleasure, ego, or sense of control. There is a lot of getting and having
and not a lot of giving. Rather than men (and women) being challenged to stand
up for the virtues of respect and love, women (and men) are expected to give
into baser impulses.
This attitude hurts both women and men. While women are
pressured to fulfill sexual fantasies, to be cool, be active, but not slutty,
men have to play along too. Men who want to wait for marriage or don’t
objectify women are mocked as weak. Men are also expected to put out and
perform competitively. Both are expected to be sexually experienced and
involuntarily compare partners while fearing the comparison themselves.
Media feeds into this mindset. It presents uncommitted sex,
premarital sex, and cohabitation as unquestioned and natural. They promote the
erotic while downplaying responsibilities or consequences. They produce unrealistic
portrayals of hook-ups and relationships. And that’s not even going into the
damaging effects of pornography, such as emotional withdrawal, objectification,
less sympathy to rape/assault victims, and desensitization to violent sex.
And what happens when people spend a decade or two in this
culture and then want to commit? Sexual habits are hard to change once a person
decides to “settle down.” Studies have shown a correlation between premarital
sex and infidelity/divorce. Regrets, comparisons, keeping the past from the
current partner, and unmet expectations can eat away at a person and relationships.
There was the underlying assumption that sexual freedom
would mean more happiness. But fleeting happiness replaced deeper joy. The
emphasis on autonomous fulfillment and happiness meant that one’s personal
desires superseded the needs of another or of society. Structures built by
generations of experience were dismantled in pursuit of individualism. While it
is important to people to realize their worth and be fulfilled, without a moral
structure forming self-control, discipline, and ethics, the pursuit of personal
desires can often become a hedonistic journey.
Christianity offers that structure, where sex is conducted
in its proper context, an expression of love between spouses. In Humane Vitae, Paul VI says, “This love
is above all fully human, a compound of sense and spirit. It is not, then,
merely a question of natural instinct or emotional drive. It is also, and above
all, an act of the free will, whose trust is such that it is meant not only to
survive the joys and sorrows of daily life, but also to grow, so that husband
and wife become in a way one heart and one soul, and together attain their
human fulfillment.”
There is no closing Pandora’s box, and I’m not suggesting
that things were better in some “back then.” Discussions about sex are good.
Premarital counseling, marital counseling, and support for people leaving
domestic abuse are all good things that have developed in recent decades that
can help strengthen families. Women have more rights, more respect. We’ve made
progress. But the current attitudes and expectations about sexual freedom is
not progress. It is not liberating anyone; it’s just making us slaves to our
desires and objects of others’ desires. We have to treat one another with the
dignity and respect given to them by God, which means refraining from
objectifying language and action, to respect the other’s needs over one’s own
desires, to use our God-given reason and will to conduct ourselves with
prudence and self-control.
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