All is Vanity

“For what profit comes to man from all the toil and anxiety of heart with which he has labored under the sun? All his days sorrow and grief are his occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest. This also is vanity.” –Ecclesiastes 2:22-23

When Ecclesiastes opened with its “all is vanity,” it’s easy to nod along, thinking of how much trivial, vain things are in the world. It’s all small compared to God. But when the first reading this past Sunday concluded with these verses from chapter 2, it made me pause and think, “Wait, that’s vanity?”

Sorrow and grief are real and not easily shaken off. No one chooses to burden themselves with anxiety. The pain is unwanted; the toil is tiresome. How can such suffering be disregarded as vanity?

It struck close to home. How can my pain and suffering be so easily dismissed? It’s easy to say that it’ll pass or to think positive when you are not the one drowning the stick black mess of melancholia. It’s easy to say the sufferer is overreacting or seeking attention when you want to ignore them.

Sorrow is a void, and you try to scream and no one hears. You scream again, and one person turns to tell you to be quiet. You’re drowning, and everyone else just wants to enjoy their day at the beach. You’re told to say something, speak up, ask for help. But people like to help with 1-800 numbers instead of wading into the water and actually listening.

What profit is there? Nothing. I know it’s nothing. It’s painful and restless and isolating. It feels me with anger and guilt and self-pity and pride. It exhausts me. It feels too big, too overshadowing, to be trivial, temporal. It’s all-consuming, yet it’s nothing? Yes, I know that’s the point. It is temporal. God is much, much stronger. It’s just hard to find the light through all the muck.