I have trouble showing gratitude. I know how to say
“thank you,” and acknowledge my privileges, but I’ve always struggled with
expressing gratefulness, even privately. A couple years ago, my penance,
regardless of priest or parish, was always to reflect on what I’m grateful for,
as if each could hear my melancholy and struggle in each confession.
I’ve worked at it. I try to tell my friends what I appreciate
about them. I don’t take friendships for granted, but I’m not one to normally
express such gratitudes.
Part of this I think is that I’m better at seeing problems. I’ll nitpick something even if I love it. I’m a perfectionist who wants to everything and everyone to be working at full potential. I don’t expect perfection, but I expect to be moving toward it, be it lining up pens in the “right” order or beating myself up for the one sentence I should have said in the meeting but didn’t. I see the flaws everywhere— the injustices, the diseases, the evil. I focus on those instead of looking at how much is right. 90% is an A to some; it’s 10% short to me. I can like and enjoy something but still only comment on its flaws.
I’m learning that expressing gratitude increases joy. I have
so many blessings; of course it does me good to count them. I like receiving
compliments; of course I should give them to others. There are terrible things
in the world and depressing parts to life, but there is also love and beauty
and God’s unceasing patience.
There is a benefit to see the flaws—to push for change, fight
for justice, and strive to be closer to perfection. But I have to see the good
too, lest I fall into despair. I have to let in joy. I have to let light into
the darkness.
It’s been a gloomy Advent for me. I’ve wanted to feel peace
and hope and joy and struggled to do so. Advent is traditionally a penitential
season, yet we treat it with much more joy than Lent. It’s joyous because we’re
waiting the coming of Jesus. Things may be bad now, but the good is coming.
Gaudete. I need the command. Rejoice, let in joy; all will be
well.
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