Oh, a Rerun

Do angels get exhausted? I suspect my guardian angel must get exhausted, watching me cycle through the same problems over and the over—the same doubts, the same frustrations, the same sins, the same promises to makes changes and do better, and the same fall back into habits within days. Poor angel. I’m tired of me too.

At times I feel like such a failure, in specific ways and goals, but also in the fact that I find myself in these patterns, over and over. Am I stubborn or lazy or foolish? Why can’t I break the cycle? Why can’t I improve? Shouldn’t sincere contrition lead to change?

I keep getting frustrated at myself. But maybe that is a good sign. I keep wanting to improve. I keep making promises with sincere intention. I haven’t given up. The sticky, black cloud wants to take away all motivation and hope. But I promise, over and over, that I’ll do better. And I try. And some days I do better. And some days I fail. But usually I still believe in a future when I’ll figure it all out, when I’ll be a better person, or when I’ll at least have moved on to different problems. Surely that hope counts for something.

Hang in there, angel. I’ll keep trying.

Thomas Merton’s prayer keeps running in my mind:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust in you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen.”