You Do Not Know What You are Asking

I woke up this morning delightfully cold. The temperature finally dropped, and it was a chilly fall morning. Sweater weather. And the days are shortening, so it was still dark when Mass started. The first Sunday switching from AC to heat. And dark outside. And in my cozy, warm clothes… By the first reading, I was already yawning. I had woken up easily and ready for Mass, but now it was a struggle to stop yawning or keep my eyes open. When they were open, I jealously eyed the toddler totally zonked out in her mother’s arms.

My mind went to the disciples. In the Gospels, the disciples are so relatable; they never get it. They’re trying to follow Jesus and understand what’s to come, but they don’t. They misinterpret things and argue and sometimes outright deny him. But they’re trying. And in the end (or beginning), by Pentecost they do understand, and they go on to spread the news and lead the Church and be martyred for Christ. They are embarrassingly relatable but then also become exemplary models, saints remembered for all time.

But mainly I was thinking of them at Gethsemane. Jesus asks them to stay awake with him, for he knows the end is coming. But the disciples fall asleep, repeatedly. And as I was fighting the temptation to just lay down on the pew myself, I got it. It was late in the day, they’d had a big meal and at least three glasses of wine, and springtime was probably offering a soft, warm climate. Of course it was hard to stay awake. Ever curled up on the couch after Thanksgiving dinner? Maybe they didn’t just fall asleep because they didn’t understand the seriousness of the night. Maybe they really, really tried to do as Jesus asked, even without understanding.

In today’s Gospel, James and John ask Jesus to sit at his right and left, and he tells them they don’t understand what they are asking. And we often ask God for things when we don’t fully understand the cost of such a request or what is truly good for us. But sometimes we don’t understand what is being asked of us by God either. We can love and serve God and grow in our knowledge of him, but we are always human, limited in our understanding by time and place. And the temptation to fall asleep. Sometimes the request is martyrdom and saintly legacy. That seems big and important and worthy of taking on. But more likely, the request is to show up and stay awake. It doesn’t seem that important. But it is. Jesus doesn't want you fighting to sit at his right and left in heaven. He just wants to stay with him right now.