10 Years

Liturgically, today is my 10th anniversary in the Catholic Church. When I try to reflect on that significance in some way, however, I come up short. I’ve grown a lot in my spirituality over the past decade. I’ve increased my knowledge and embraced that that knowledge doesn’t equal faith. I’ve had mystical experiences. I’ve experienced consolation and desolation and tried to separate my own melancholia from it. I’m more biblically literate, have more connection to some saints, and am more confident in where I stand.

And yet there is still so much uncertainty. I still feel like I’ve turned from generations of Protestant family. I’m frustrated by several aspects of Catholic culture. I still wrestle with some doctrine.

More than anything, I still struggle with why. Why I was called to the Church. Why I feel God’s presence so clearly when others don’t. Why it’s so difficult to find someone—friends, spiritual advisor—who understands where I’m at and help me on my journey. Why so much of my growth happens alone.

Ultimately, I know the why is unimportant. Getting weighed down by that now will do nothing. And perhaps I can know later.

I can’t say where I’ll be in another 10 years. I only hope that I’ll still be growing. I never want to be so confident that I’ve figured it all out that I grow stagnant in my faith. It is called a journey for a reason; the destination isn’t reached in this life.

Still, after all this time, I find that I most relate to T.S. Eliot’s description, “a Catholic cast of mind, a Calvinist heritage, and a Puritanical temperament.”